Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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