Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My breasts were aching with rage.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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