Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
