I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
