oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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