ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We had to coat check the pizza.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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