the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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