You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
