Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
