after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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