I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
