It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
