He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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