I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
