I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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