I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
