fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
