I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
