**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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