i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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