Is it normal to miss your booty call?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
