The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
