I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Randomize
