When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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