the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
