don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
