I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
