I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
