it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
