I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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