My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
