So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Randomize
