And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
