My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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