Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
