smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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