maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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