I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
