Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
