i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
