I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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