These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
