i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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