dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
