I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
