Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
