I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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