when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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