Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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