Swine flu. Run for my life!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
