I am puke
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
