So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
